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Updated on June 14, 2005.


Click here to download the fortune file.

Adults are just kids who owe money.

All extremists should be taken out and shot.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses and, sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.

A witty saying proves nothing.
    -- Voltaire

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Chaos, panic, and disorder - my work here is done.

Computer games don't affect kids. I mean if Pac Man had affected us as kids, now we'd all be running around in darkened rooms, bumping into people, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then give it back to them.

Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

Fifth law of applied terror
    If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget the book.
    If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

Error: Erection reset by beer.

Frisbeetarianism: The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

Get stoned - drink wet cement.

... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, and you would not have been informed.

Heaven doesn't want us, and hell's afraid we take over.

I don't know what this means, but all my email has one, and I don't want to be left out:

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.
    -- Woody Allen

If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a restaurant.
    -- Snoopy

I know everything, i just cant remember it all at once.

I'm not as think as you drunk I am.

It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

I've found the loophole in democracy.
It's stupid people.
Vast masses of stupid people.

Kiddies to the left of me, Lawyers to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle with GNU.

Laws of work:
    When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

lp0 on fire.

Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

Quake 3: I would salute you if I could find my head.

Sattinger's Law
    It works better if you plug it in.
Jenkinson's Law
    It won't work.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees and then name streets after them.

The greatest political concept of the twentieth century is that of Stalinist Communism. People ask me why, and I shoot them. Pretty basic concept.
    -- Will Snyder

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

The secret of life: Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat.

The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start with a large fortune.

This is a message from God: "Rebooting the universe, please log off."

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

Truman's Law
    If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

"Trust the programmer"
    -- ansi c standard

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Would you like to hear
Of the terrible night
When I bravely fought the--
All right.

Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement.
    -- Snoopy